The HSL Experiment
Last month, I had the honor of visiting the Dalai Lama in Dharamshala. I came prepared to thank him for an insight he provided to my friend, Mark Jones, in 2001. When my turn in the receiving line came, I didn’t even open my mouth. I fumbled with taking his hand in mine. And we stared at each other until his eyes slipped away towards the next person in line. I was relieved to discover that we were both smiling when I saw the pictures his supporters took as each person passed by him.
I’ve been playing out in my mind the thank you and story I never spoke ever since. Kicking myself for my silence. Inspired by this beautiful piece from another friend, Matilda Leyser, called All the Lives I am not Living, and a Lie about the One I Am, I’m sharing the story here.
Mark R. Jones had an audience with the Dalai Lama in 2001. At that time, the group had tea and conversation with His Holiness. Mark asked a question he was carrying for a friend: How do we teach the children peace? The Dalai Lama’s response: We all need to be heard, seen, and loved or mischief occurs.
When Mark got home, he started observing behavior and developed “The HSL Diagnostic Model.” In brief, he found when people don’t feel heard, they shout or shut up. When they don’t feel seen, they become bullies or make themselves invisible. When they don’t feel loved, they do a dance of approach/avoid. In all cases, the remedy lies in listening.
Mark has continued to offer this insight as a gift since 2001. I was an early beneficiary. It changed my response when faced with people who were acting out or disappearing. Rather than triggering defensiveness or aggression in me, I take their behavior as a signal to listen. It always leads to constructive and often unexpected outcomes. For that, I am deeply grateful. I share Mark’s insight often.
In fact, since I’m writing about it, I’ll offer the invitation Mark always does: now that you know of the “hizzle,” give it a try. And let us know how it goes.
